Phil Fable – Guest Phil Teaches Brain Exercises

SCENE: A VERSION OF HALLOWEEN ON ANOTHER WORD CALLED “TWINTER.” OLD PHIL AND A NEW PHIL ARE BOTH ON A PORTH OF A WHITE WOODEN HOUSE WITH A WHITE PICKET FENCE. IT’S DUSK.

PLAYERS: New Phil, Old Phil and little boy.

***

OLD PHIL: “Let’s begin! Imagine the reality that you have no soul at all. That you are only meat and that this is ABSOLUTE AND UNIQUE AND SUPPORTED BY SCIENCE WITH STRONG EVIDENCE AND TRUMPS RELIGION.”

NEW PHIL: “Well, THAT’S cheery.”

OLD PHIL: “Try it. Let me know when you are there.”

New Phil sat for 45 seconds.

NEW PHIL: “Okay. There.”

OLD PHIL: “Now emotionally take that reality and FEEL it as much as you can. Embrace it and be brave even if it disappoints.”

NEW PHIL: “Okay. It sucks. Really.”

OLD PHIL: “Now, imagine that you are an immortal spirit with a transcendent free will that is beyond the filter of science and that this reality is ABSOLUTE AND UNIQUE AND TRUMPS SCIENCE.”

NEW PHIL: “Okay.”

OLD PHIL: “Now emotionally take that reality and FEEL it as much as you can. Embrace it and be brave even though your free will in this world isn’t what you want.”

NEW PHIL: “Okay. Got it.”

OLD PHIL: “Now play with alternating absolutes. FEEL each absolute separately. Switch back and forth between them believing each of them to be true while you embrace it. Then feel the other being ABSOLUTELY true.”

New Phil played with this for about fifteen minutes while Old Phil handed out candy with a scary mask on so as not to confuse the kids with two identical Phils. When the kids were gone, Old Phil took off his mask and returned to instructing New Phil.

OLD PHIL: “Now for the tricky part. You may notice that your belief has a space for only a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ value. Most versions of us can feel them both as true only when one value is used at a time. Is that what you feel?”

NEW PHIL: “Yeah.”

OLD PHIL: “Okay. Great. Now bring these mutually exclusive ABSOLUTES into the SAME value space as both being ABSOLUTELY true. You may feel it won’t work. There is a reason for that. Do you know what that reason is?”

NEW PHIL: “No.”

OLD PHIL: “IT DOESN’T WORK. It makes NO sense. It fails utterly. Totally. It is ULTIMATE DISSONANCE AND MADNESS. But try to FEEL them as true as a paradox manifested by decision.”

NEW PHIL: “Yikes, that’s hard.”

OLD PHIL: “Work on it. Try it again for three minutes.”

Three minutes go by as New Phil sits on the steps. Old Phil puts on the mask as some more Crank-or-Candy kids come to the door. One is dressed as a Wamproot. Old Phil gives him all some candy. Afterward, he looks at the Wamproot and holds his arms straight out with his fingers wide.”

OLD PHIL: “I want to root your soul and drink its Blahd” he yells.

The little boy turned back raising his hands straight up.

LITTLE BOY: “Yapko Desidum – to hell with you evil beast!”

Old Phil clutches his heart.

OLD PHIL: “GOT .. ME…Wamproot” he croaked.

The kids walk away happily. Old Phil turns to new Phil.

OLD PHIL: “How about now?”

Phil looks at Phil and replies.

NEW PHIL: “Well, it’s hard because my brain wants only one value as absolute. But holding both absolutes in the same absolute value space seems to create a feeling of energy. I want to call it a life force. It’s kind of like having a puzzle and trying to put two pieces into the same slot at the same time. It’s impossible but you CAN try to do it and that trying has a strangeness to it. An energy I want to call a life force.”

OLD PHIL: “Oh, PUH-LEASE! You are so easily fooled,” said guest Phil. “You so want to be a Wodo with a sword of light saving the world. On my home planet a Wodo is called a Jedi. People that actually want to be Jedi are called DELUSIONAL FANTASY NERDS.”

NEW PHIL: “Wow. THAT hurt.”

OLD PHIL: “Consider it just a little harsh self talk Phil to Phil. Can I have something to eat? After that I need to leave.”

NEW PHIL: “Sure.”

OLD PHIL: “It’s … uh … actually weirder than that. A lot weirder actually. Just control what is yours and go on.

NEW PHIL: “Seems like a pretty solid idea.

Phil Fable – One Point Called Venus

Phil sat on the john doing his constitutional reading the book, “Everyone Poops.”

“Like any life form on earth, it’s part of the whole gig”, he thought.

He put the book back in the magazine holder, stood and looked down at processed lentils and beets and started a red swirl.

“Plumbers are so under-rated,” he thought. “They help us process the shit and piss in our lives and keep it from making our lives stink and have less disease. They are GODS …”

He walked out of his bathroom and out the front door. He saw Venus in the sky cresting the morning.

“Great GODDESS! He cried. You are SO HOT and so high above me, I shall never experience your love from a violent prostate spasm, but I long for it! For YOU are like my Cassandra, always there and so, so far away and too hot for such a one as I …”

“I heard that,” said Cassy in his ear.

“Fuck, THAT was ON?”

“Awkward,” said Cass.

“True though. Damn true. You know it.”

“I do.”

“Well, I need to go to work.” 

“K. Love you dear. And remember, when I’m with my girl I WON’T be thinking of YOU.”

“You enjoy this suffering don’t you?”

“You know it.

“You are so twisted.”

“Yeah, but I find it endearing. Keeps my jobs interesting.”

“And what is your job exactly Cassandra?”

“I am your plumber!”

“Plumbers are the shit,” said Phil. “They make civilization POSSIBLE.”

“Ewwww… did you have to go there?”

He looked up at Venus again right as he got to his car. Checked his watch.

“See you Venus.’

“See you,” said Cassandra.

The planet answered with burning silence.

Phil Fable – The Best Side of Awful

10:00 PM Billings, Montana

***

The green book sat on the table shiny new without a page ever turned. The book’s title was “How to Deal With the Monster of Addiction.”

On the floor was a passed out nineteen year old girl, drug paraphernalia on the floor with her dad and Phil standing above her. The dad was clueless what drug was displayed in front of him.

The father and Phil looked at the oblivious teen while waiting for an ambulance.

“Any advice?” asked the father.

“Two words,” said Phil.

“Yeah?”

“THIS SUCKS. I’m sorry. That’s it. That’s all the advice I can give.

The father relied, “Oh wait. I can add a word.”

Phil looked at with a wet eye.

“This sucks AWFUL,” choked out the father.

Phil tried to never missed a good opportunity to shut up. So he took it. He reached down and pulled her hair out of her face as the father steeled up behind a fist. Phil checked her pulse. Nodded to him that  it was there. He stood up,  farted by accident, walked over to the door and turned on the porch light to her apartment.

“This CAN’T be happening…” said the Father.

“Stage one,” thought Phil. He thought about picking up the pieces himself, but the father stooped to pick them up. As he set them on the end table, it was obvious that he was angry as hell.

“Stage two,” thought Phil. “THAT was fast.”