Phil Fable – Hell-Raiser Dharma

The small Buddhist center had a pot luck for it’s members. In the middle of the meal, the teacher stood up.

“I had a friend approach me last week about doing a skit. He was concerned that people in Texas just wouldn’t understand the Dharma and that it needed to be translated into Redneck. So my friend Phil and I worked out a Poetry Slam rendition of that translation of the Four Noble Truths and the Eight Fold Path. Would you like to see it?”

The crowd of twenty egged them on.

“Here is how it will work. I will speak the Four Noble Truths and the Eight Fold Path and my friend Phil will speak the Redneck Hell Raiser Translation.”

Phil and the teacher stood side by side. The teacher held his finger up in a peaceful manner.

“The Four Noble Truths,” he stated and gestured to Phil.

“The Four Not Stupid Ideas,” said Phil.

The crowd snickered. The teacher over-gestured them to be quiet. This was a SERIOUS matter after all.

“Life is full of suffering,” said the teacher peacefully.

“LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!” grumbled Phil.

Applause came from the Sanga. The teacher blissfully did a gassho sign and continued.

“Suffering exists because of ignorance.”

“LIFE FUCKING SUCKS BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING STUPID!”

The crowd was silent until they saw the teacher mockingly listening to Phil like it was indeed the Holy Dharma, then they let go a good laugh. The teacher adjusted his robes and looked especially serene …

“The suffering can stop.”

Phil stood on top of a chair and cupped his hands on his mouth.

“THERE IS A WAY TO STOP THIS SUCK!”

When the crowd saw the mock piety of the teacher, the entire house broke loose in laughter. The teacher immediately gave them a faux look of stern reproof and raised his finger – pausing for effect.

“There is a way out of the suffering…”

“THRE IS A PATH TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS SUCKING BULLSHIT!”

As the crowd started to hoot, the teacher again held up his finger with mock authority and they quieted down to snickers. The teacher adjusted his robes.

“The … Eight …. Fold … Path …”

“THE EIGHT STEPS OUT OF STUPID”

The teacher gave a holy sign with his hand.

“Right View.”

“TAKE OFF THE ROSE COLORED GLASSES STUPID!”

“Right thought.”

“DON’T THINK STUPID!”

“Right Speech.”

“DON’T TALK STUPID!”

“Right Action.”

“DON’T DO STUPID!”

“Right Effort.”

“DON’T BE STUPID LAZY.”

“Right Vocation.”

“DON’T DO A JOB THAT MAKES YOU STUPID!”

“Right concentration.”

“KEEP FOCUSED STUPID!”

“Right Mindfulness.”

“BE MINDFULLY NOT STUPID!”

“That is the path to enlightenment.”

Phil got quiet and did a gassho with deep sincerity.

“This is the path to not stupid. Be the not-stupid you want to see in the world.”

The crowd was no longer laughing.

***

Hell-Raiser Dharma

The Four Not-Stupid Ideas: 

1. “Life fucking sucks!”
2. “Life fucking sucks because people are fucking stupid.”
3. “There is a way to stop this SUCK!”
4. “There is a way to get the fuck out of this sucking bullshit.”

 

The Eight Steps to Not Stupid:

1. “Take off the rose-colored glasses, stupid!”
2. “Don’t think stupid.”
3. “Don’t talk stupid!”
4. “Don’t do stupid!”
5. “Don’t be stupid lazy.”
6. “Don’t do a job that makes you stupid!”
7. “Keep focused stupid!”
8. “Be mindfully not stupid!”

Tag Line:

“Be the NOT-STUPID you want to see in the world.”

3 thoughts on “Phil Fable – Hell-Raiser Dharma

  1. hell shit!!!!

    I´ll have it framed.

    (This, in my view, confirms Phil as the Grand Master of Ceremonies for The Unknowables.)

  2. I love Phil. I often imagine an image of him sitting in Zazen in blue jeans with a baseball cap pulled down over his eyes.

    Looking at the statue from the front I can’t see his eyes. I have to stoop to see them. They are clear and decidedly unimportant.

    And he has a slight smile that looks like something is fucking funny.

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