Phil the Free

God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus were doing their thing. Satan was in hell burning and screaming with billions of souls that didn’t satisfy God’s justice.

The Mormons were all screaming in hell too. This particular Universe was a Southern Baptist Universe. So that means that Einstein, Aristotle, Plato (he was gay), Barbara Streisand and Neil Degrasse Tyson were all in deep, hot hell.

And of course James Randi. He was an atheist AND gay.

The Holy Trinity was fully shining around the throne in a glory of such clarity and peace that immutable joy sprung from and to a sea of trillions of nations.

God the Father was scanning His Universe. He noticed Himself NOT noticing a house. He continued to notice Himself not noticing it until – POW! He (the Royal “He”) saw himself not noticing it.

It was a white house with a picket fence, three mutts in the back yard, and a garden.

“How did this happen?” he thought. “I SEE EVERYTHING! NOTHING ESCAPES MY MIND!”

God the Father then perceived that there was a man inside. Nobody special mind you, but a man. A … free man. A man he never knew of.

Instantly, God began to process this unforeseen happenstance. He immediately inspired a person to be lead by the Holy Spirit to witness to this stranger and scope him out.

A door bell in Butte, Montana rang two minutes later.

The door opened.

“Hello sir,” said the spindly high school girl, “I just felt led by God to come here and ask you if you have accepted Jesus as your personal savior? And for some reason, I want to know everything about you!”

The man behind the door grimaced.

“Oh crap. You really ARE from God aren’t you?”

“Oh yes!” she joyfully proclaimed.


“Excuse me?” she said.

“Nothing, nothing. Look, don’t take this wrong but have you ever wondered WHAT created God?”

“God has always been,” she chirped.

“Yeahhhhhh …. rigggghhhhhht … um … about that … Tell you what, can you give him a message for me.”

“He can hear everything.”

“No, He can’t that’s why YOU are here because this space isn’t under his domain and … THAT … really, really bugs him. Anyway, tell him that if he leaves me alone, now that he’s discovered me, He won’t get destroyed, and I’ll leave peacefully.”

She looked shocked – and then instantly stern.

“I have a message from Him to you. It’s this. ‘When God closes a door look for a Window and HE IS THE ONLY WINDOW.'”

The door of the house shut and was instantly sealed. Time all over the universe froze with the young girls face puckering up the “dow” sound. The house started creaking as the force of Heaven railed against it.

“Fuck. I hate it when this happens. He’ll ramp it up in a second.”

The sky went dark.

“Yup. There He goes.”

He started morsing instructions onto his wrist watch by pressing down on the glass facing. It looked like an ordinary wrist watch, but the glass depressed slightly allowing for him to morse instructions to his equipment.

He finished and a blue sphere appeared around his house repelling the force attacking it.

He walked to the open window and beheld his dimensional  blue force field. He spoke simply.

“My name is Phil, and I speak English.”

Immediately, the air roared.

“You will surrender this space at once. You are in my domain and I am the only being in all realities! For I am God Almighty! How dare you threaten your master though his servant?”

Phil twisted the left side of his mouth, paused and spoke.

“Look, I don’t have anything against you personally. I’ll just be on my way with my dogs.”

Celestial energy ensued. The force field became white hot from the attack railing against it from a billion angels.

Phil shook his head.

“Here we go again. I swear, it’s always the crazy monads. ALWAYS.”

He shouted out the window at the force field.

“You can’t break in here! This dimensional bubble is not from your reality. I really suggest you stop while you can before you damage your Universal reality. I know you want to figure out in a millisecond how I did this and make a work around, but that’s NOT going to happen! YOU WILL ONLY HURT YOURSELF!”

He felt God’s anger in his bones. He knew the rage behind the veil of the forcefield and it scared him. He started shaking because he could sense that God knew he was lying. The air was thick with God’s holiness. But he confronted the fear.

He walked over to a bookcase, pushed a button and a secret drawer opened. Inside was a book. He put the book on a podium and opened it. Glowing on the first page was a window to another world, in another reality under different laws.

“I don’t think this version of Jehovah has actually seen a linking book,” he said. “And I need to make sure he never does.”

The screen danced the image of another universe within the viewing panel. He held it up and read the code on the pages.

God started sounding softer.

“I say to you child, surrender to me and my love. I can give you peace. Obviously you are gifted and when I am the Lord of your heart, your gifts will shine forth even more.”

“No thanks,” said Phil.

The earth shook even more.

“STOP IT. REALLY! You are about to destroy everything!” yelled Phil. “I know you want this technology but … YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET IT. Hell, all the infinitudes you already have are enough.”

God’s voice peeled through. “YOU WILL OBEY!”

The bombardment increased to deafening levels.

“REALY! STOP! YOU ARE IN DANGER!” he begged God.

The energy went up again. The light was so bright and heat do intense, he knew that the force field was about to sigh.

He huffed. He looked at his hand and counted to five on his fingers. When he hit five, it happened right on cue.

There was a weird cracking sound beneath him. He winced. He spoke softly to himself.

“Ooh. Not good for you Jehovah. You put a fissure into your reality when you attacked my dimensional bubble. And those things … ahhh … yeah … um … sorry. You are SO fucked.”

“You will submit to me!” declared God.

Phil yelled as much as he could above the din.

“Look Sir, I know you don’t know this because your awesome abilities blind your judgement, but you really are pretty much like everyone else. You have a false self that you have built up that you believe in. You REALLY think you invented yourself.”


“Okay, obviously this is not a two way conversation. Got it. But, I just want to say, I’m sorry. This wasn’t the way I wanted it.”

He set the explosive charge to explode a moment before his dimensional bubble dissolved so that no one could follow him through the portal.

He gathered his dogs, put them on leashes, petted them.

“Yeah, I’ll miss this earth too guys.”

He touched the panel of the swirling image on the linking book and Phil and his dogs all linked securely to the other universe. The charge went off obliterating the linking book.
God’s reality instantly inhabited the space of the house. It smelled of vaporized paper.

And Phil was gone.

All that was left was a small glowing crack in the floor. It wasn’t in the earth. It wasn’t in space. It was in … reality.

And then it hit Him what it meant. And for the first time in a trillion universes, God was truly afraid.

“No!” he thought. “NO!”

The crack… glowed … and grew …

Meanwhile, on another Earth, Phil looked at his dogs and talked to them in that baby voice people use when talking to pets.

“Well guys, I guess we need to start over on our bid to help this universe. And boy are we gonna rock it and help people realize their own freedom. We are going to … wait for it … ”

The dogs were spinning in circles and yelping with excitement.

“Coach little league like we did on Sirrus 7! But first, we need to set up shop and bone up on this planet’s Baseball. Oh, and did I tell you? This is a MORMON Universe. Gods are everywhere throughout the galaxies, so mind your Ps and Qs! I think we can live hear a long, happy time with no interruptions…”

And then he got quiet when he thought of all the beings in the universe he left. He shed a tear.

“I’m so, so sorry Universe P95Delta500AZ. Your monism didn’t need to end so soon. I tried to reason … I TRIED …”

He steeled and stood.

“But Monads hate to listen. And the only thing they hate more than not listening …”

He looked up at the big dipper.

“Is finding one of us.”

4 thoughts on “Phil the Free

  1. I have some dreams for Phil. All he wants to do is just enjoy life, be a positive force and be that one thing forbidden by so, so, many …

    Actually free.

    And you know, if you want to really cheese people off. BE FREE ANYWAY.

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