Two Coffees

Two rather bookish students sat across from each other at a Starbucks. One, an Atheist, was reading a thumb worn “Mere Christianity. The other, a Christian, was reading a bookmarked web site called “The Skeptics Annotated Bible.”

The Atheist just lost his mother, a devout Christian, who wanted her son to know the Lord more than anything.

The Christian just lost her father to lung cancer. He was a Physicist at the local University who was always hoping for her to trust her own mind over the tenets of religion.

The Atheist was reviewing C.S. Lewis’ logic regarding the identity of Christ. Lewis asserts that Jesus was either one of three choices: an insane teacher, a Liar, or the Son of God himself.

He had been pondering the question and Lewis’ oft-quoted logic for weeks. Inside his being, at his very core, he FELT that God loves him. He strongly held that Lewis’ logic was sound and that Lewis was a very learned man.

“Lewis repented of his Atheism and accepted that Jesus was Christ.” He whispered.

He bowed his head.

“Lord Jesus, I accept you as my savior. Come into my heart.”

He got up and thought, “Life is going to be so different not that I’m a believer.”

The Christian girl across from was reviewing the Scripture Deuteronomy 18:22 in The Skeptics Annotated Bible which says:

“When a prophet speaks in the name of the lord and that thing follows not nor cometh to pass, that is a thing that the lord has not spoken, but the prophet has spoken it presumptively. Thou shalt not fear him.”

She pondered the prophesy of Tyre in Ezekiel which claimed unequivocally that the city would be destroyed at the time of Nebuchanezzer, but still survives today.  She read the standard answers given by Bible apologists.

“These are arrogant and dodgy,” she whispers. “The Bible fails the test of prophesy by its own definition, I need not fear its teachings. I’ve been wrong. Needing Jesus to go to heaven is all bullshit.”

She took a sip of black coffee.

“Life is going to be so different not that I’m a non-believer.”

They both gathered their books and left – never meeting eyes.

Surviving the Titanic

The 100th anniversary of the Titanic’s sinking was a several days ago. And it reminded me of an idea I had after first watching the movie.

I wondered if there was a way someone could actually survive the Titanic without making it into a lifeboat. This is what I came up with:

Step 1. Run to the engine room, or kitchen, and get some kind of tub of grease. Any grease will do: animal, vegetable or mineral.
Step 2. Get all the pants, long underwear, pullover shirts, toboggan hats and socks you can find.
Step 3. Strip down naked and grease your entire body: hair, face, toes, hair, everything.
Step 4. Grease a layer of socks, pants, and pullover shirt. Put it on.
Step 5. Repeat Step 5 until you either look like Santa Claus or are out of grease.
Step 6. Finish off with a rain coat and toboggan hat and gloves.
Step 7. Find SOMETHING that can float. The grease will help, but you need something to hold onto.
Step 8. Wait until the last possible minute to get in the water.
Step 9.  Hopefully, the layers will soak up the sea water and the grease will act as a barrier, creating a wet suit.
Step 10. Float and survive.
Step 11. Find the redhead, console her. Fall in love. Sell the rock and move to LA with her and start one of those companies doing that “new fangled movie thing.” 

This is of course, untested, and I don’t feel like braving the North Atlantic Waters to see if it would ACTUALLY work.

Urbanized Zen

Old Zen: “Before enlightenment, chop wood carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

Urban Zen: “Before enlightenment, spend money to pay electric  and water bill and empty the dishwasher and then fill the dishwasher. After enlightenment, spend money to pay electric and water bill and then empty the dishwasher and fill the dishwasher.”

So, Are You Ready to Convert?

Two female College Students, on an atheist and the other a Christian, were at lunch in a Student Union Building.

“So tell me, Ms. I-Don’t-Need-God. What would it take to convert you?

“Okay. She said, I’ll snap my fingers and if there is a peal of thunder on this clear sunny day, a screech of a cat, a person needing a dollar and someone reciting ‘War and Peace’ within 60 seconds after, I’ll convert.”

“God doesn’t play games,” said her friend.

(SNAP!)

A thundering sound of an out-of-control piano coming thundering down the stairs.
From the center of the storm, a friend laughs and says “It’s the best of times and the worst of times Elrod.” A phone rings and the ringtone is the sound of a screeching cat.

Elrod answers from the stairs.

“Hi Sid.”

“Yeah that noise was me … Yeah … uh-huh …. Well, my hand slipped … SID! … Okay … fine … I kinda figured that.

Elrod hangs up the phone while the atheist gawked. The Christian’s eyes were glued to the second hand on the wall clock.

“I’m fired. Sid heard the thunder of the piano across the building,” said Elrod.

The piano was in bad shape.

Elrod’s friend was saddened. He went to the vending machine to get a drink for his unlucky friend. Out of change, he turns to the atheist.

Could you spare a dollar?

“The time is 59 Seconds! God is seldom early but he is never …”

The Christian turned her head to her friend.

“Late.”

She looked triumphant and the Atheist just smiled and said, “WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED?”

“You said it. God wouldn’t play games, and that was no thunder. It was a piano.”

The Christian cried. Tears streamed down in disbelief.

chirp … chirp … chirp …

Two frat boys sat at the bar and their IQs were at about five beers.

“Screw this. I just want to be immortal. I want to be an eternal me with free will so I can say ‘fuck ALL THIS SHIT,’ so how do I do this?”

His friend got up and staggered outside and got a cricket.  He put the cricket in a beer cup. Set the cup down and went into the ladies room by mistake. There was a scream. He staggered back. Forgot the cup. Got the cup. Came back. Realized he still needed the mens room. Put the cup down.  Placed a cardboard coaster on top of the cup. Went to the mens room. Came back. Looked under the cardboard coaster at the cricket. Sat down.

All of this felt very important.

He gave his friend the cricket in the cup and said.

Teach this … cricket how to read and recite …. Hamlet … for the college professor over there in the corner and the rest will be …”

He raised a hand to indicate a dramatic pause.

“…easy …”

His friend picked up the glass and looked in and said.

“To be or not to be cricket? THAT is the question … hey! … This cricket is a fucking idiot!”

His friend started laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“You have a nickname.”

“What’s that?”

“Cricket.”

“Why … cricket?”

“Cuz you’re not passing English Lit either.”

“Oh … but hey, I got a tutor. Better than this stupid cricket.”

He took the cricket cup outside and flung it out of the cup toward the moon. The cricket landed on the grass.

A Thought Experiment

There are two different universes with two completely different types of physics. Universe #1 does NOT allow for psychic abilities that cannot be detected by science, and Universe #2 DOES allow psychic abilities to exist that cannot be detected by science.

In both universes’ timelines on parallel planets and stages, a slave names “Mara” was put on an auction block and sold to plantation owners on February 14, 1830 and forever separated from a mother she loved dearly.

UNIVERSE #1.

A hot, Southern Sweet Potato Queen named Tammy stands at the historical exhibit where the stave trades used to happen.  It’s February, 14 2012. A strange feeling overcomes her and a phrase sounds in her head and sees the image of an African woman standing on a block being sold as a slave. As the gavel sounds. She sees her looking at her mother, sobbing and mouthing the phrase “Mother, I love you” before being separated from her forever.

Tammy is SHOCKED and experiences a rush in her body. It feels deeply like the event is real and an appeal for her to fight for human rights. But in this universe, it was only her body creating a delusion.

Because such events happen in such large numbers, this is a case where she experienced an event that FELT psychic but it wasn’t EVEN THOUGH IT WAS STILL RIGHT IN EVERY DETAIL.

Meanwhile back in UNIVERSE #2 …

The same thing happens but this is actually a psychic event because this Universe allows Psychics even though they cannot be proven by experiment. In this case, Tammy has the exact same experience.

QUESTION: If both Tammys felt the same, and neither knew with 100% certainty if their Universe allowed for Psychic events, in what ways can Tammy view the experience and use it to improve her life and world?

For those of you who do not know the Sweet Potato Queens,  they are a delightfully tacky group of women and men, who got so big and obnoxious they got too big for the parade that spawned them.

And yeah, I’ve fallen for the “Sweet Potato Queen Promise!” more than once.

https://www.facebook.com/sweetpotatoqueens

Awesome Chip Replacement that Works – Sweet Potato Leathers

I really needed a chip alternative that worked and lucky for me I found an alternative in the book “Forks Over Knives” based on the movie.

Step 1. Take a sweet potato.

Step 2. Slice it REALLY thin into chips with the skin on.

Step 3. Salt if you want.

Step 4. Microwave on high for 7 minutes (depending on your model).

Let them cool. They will get crisper after they cool.

When they are perfect they are both crunchy AND chewy at the same time and are great with salsa.

They give me that “starchy” thing I crave and fool me enough to say “No” to Fritos. They also are dang chewy and work out your jaw something fierce.

Looks like I’ll be going through a sweet potato a day now. . .