A Nihilist’s Religious Experience

A Muslim, Jew and a Christian were at each others’ throats – guns drawn, death glares glaring.

But a passionate Feminist Bright bust into the room and declares with Ayn Rand condescension, “You are ALL wrong! There is no God at all, so quit the fighting and let’s build a utopia of tolerance and reason in Art Deco!”

Instantly, the Muslim, Jew and Christian turn their guns on HER and her cool, hot Suicide Girl tattoos.

But right before ANOTHER female loses her life in the name of God, in walks a Nihilist dressed up in Heath Ledger’s “Joker” garb straight out of ComicCon. He points with great hubris and laughs hysterically.

“Look at you! Hee! Hee! So FULL of importance!”

“Hee-hee-hee-hee! You think it ALL matters!”

He looks at their serious faces, their clenched jaws and stern eyes and then TOTALLY loses it.

The Muslim, Jew, and Christian all turn their guns to fire upon the Nihilist but the feminist jumps between them and the Nihilist and holds out a bottle of pills.

“No! No! Don’t! I have medicine for him! I can help him find meaning!”

He points at her and laughs even louder – tears streaming down his cheeks.

The tree gunmen step around her and open fire.

For his last laugh, he drops a Whoopie cushion on the floor and lands his bullet-laden chest upon it.

“PFFFFFFFTPPTPT!!”

A Scientology Experience

He finished dinner and told his children to go to play.

“Daddy is going to his room for his session. Janey, you are NOT allowed to disturb me at any moment. And remember, no internet while I’m occupied.”

“K,” said Janie glued to her cell.

He walked up the stairs and deliberately locked the door to his study from the inside. He went over to the window and unlocked it and then deliberately re-fixed it. He felt his cell in his pocket, took it out, removed the battery, put the cell phone in a drawer, and closed it.

He went over to the bookshelf and grabbed, “Moby Dick.” The spine of the hardcover book opened – revealing a key. He removed it. He closed the spine, heard the magnets click and put the book back.

He took the key over to a locked closet and deliberately unlocked the closet with the key.

Inside was a shelf of colorful books and tapes with expensive graphics. The walls were filled with framed certificates. On the right there were two locked briefcases: a large one and a smaller one. He picked up the two cases and walked over to his desk. He unlocked the large briefcase and set aside some papers, files and writing utensels.

Next, he unlocked the smaller briefcase revealing a strange electronic device framed in foam. It displayed a large metered dial with a needle firmly set to one side. Along side the meter was a cylinder composed of two metal cans fused together by a plastic insulation disk.

The cylinder had a wire coming out of each end. He placed the stylish meter, connected the cylinder to it and placed the device next to the writing utensils. The style, digital displays and knobs made the e-meter look like it came directly off a space ship.

Loud yelling, crashing, and crying unleashed. He ignored it. It wasn’t the cry of injury. Janie was in charge and they all knew he was never to be disturbed during session. If someone was in real danger Janie would knock three times on the door.

He double checked the security of the room, sat down, turned on the e-meter and took the fused solo-auditing cans into his left hand and looked at the dial. Everything was good. He closed his eyes.

“Did you have enough to eat?,” he whispers.

“Yes, I had a good dinner,” he whispers back.

He does a test on the meter to see if read that he was well fed. The darting needle indicates everything is okay to continue. He slightly adjusts a knob deliberately.

“Did you have enough sleep?

“Yes, I slept good last night.”

“Good. THIS is the session.”

Right away, he notices that the meter indicates a read. As an Operating Thetan Level 7 and a class 8 auditor, he instinctively knows what to say.

“Did you have an upset?”

“Yes, I’m worried about my children downstairs.”

He goes through a series of questions and answers himself until he reads on the meter that the issue is properly handled.

“I feel fine now.”

He adjusts the knob again.

“Okay, so now we’re going into the main session,” he replies, and whispers his announcement.

“This is the session!”

“Locate a BT or cluster.”

He searches his body for any discomfort to locate a Body Thetan or a cluster of Body Thetans causing the discomfort. A Body Thetan is an alien spirit that has attached to his body as a direct result of one of  the two cataclysmic events that occurred in the secret timeline of the Universe. Such secrets must be protected at all costs, and are the reason for the extreme security measures.

“My neck is sore and stiff.”

“Okay, locate the BT or Cluster that is affecting your neck.”

He closes his eyes and searches all existence for the BT or cluster attached to his body that is responsible for the pain in his neck. He finds it and whispers telepathically and verbally.

“What are you?”

“I’m a vice grip on your neck,” said the Thetan. He notes it is ONE Body Thetan and not a cluster of them.

“Okay, I’d like to indicate that you are a vice grip on my neck.”

He glances at the stack of correction lists in front of him. If the Body Thetan doesn’t blow  easily he will must the lists to confront and release the being from its attachment to its host body. Last week he wrestled with one for over an hour before it finally blew.

As he gave telepathic beingness to the Thetan, it connected with him. He physically felt it leave his body as his neck softened. It was still stiff, but felt noticeably better. He looked down at his meter and saw that his needle was floating in a smooth rhythm back and forth.

“That was an easy one,” he thought.

He deduces that the Body Thetan created an awkward sleeping position last night in order to be noticed.

His lips make a blissful curve as he closes his eyes and feels the electric current flowing in his body from the e-meter. Not everyone can notice the current of the e-meter, and he remembers how privileged he is. He feels lighter and better. He bathes in the feeling of Theta (life force) and finishes.

“End of session!”

He updates his notes and deliberately puts the papers back into the briefcase and locks it. Next, he puts the e-meter back into its case and puts the two cases into the closet. He locks the closet with the key and puts the key back into the spine of Moby Dick. He grabs his cell phone from the drawer, puts the battery back, looks at the window and leaves it locked like he has done for years.

Finally, he deliberately unlocks the door to the study and walks outside to hear.

“Daddy! Kyle won’t stop touching me!”

He puts his hand on Kyle’s shoulder and with great calm says.

“Kyle, honor your sister’s space.”

Atheist Bubble Gum

A student asked his liberal philosophy teacher, “How can you be happy as an atheist?”

The professor replied while he chewed his bubble gum, “Let me tell you a fable.”

“There was a great ocean on a planet in a magical universe. This ocean created lots of waves, foamings and bubbles because of its three moons. But the bubbles were actually sentient and could talk to each other.”

A student hissed and dropped his pencil.

“HEY! It’s a FABLE!,” snarks back the professor. He started chewing his gum louder unleashing its full-smacking audio to confront the dropped pencil. After the smacking addressed the dropping he continued.

“Anyway one bubble cried, ‘I don’t WANT to pop! Mom popped twenty seconds ago and I’m beginning to feel unstable myself! It feels like ME verses the rest of the ocean, and the ocean is trying to pop me!'”

“Quickly, several bubbles formed groups to make the evil popping go away, but were unsuccessful in slowing down the apocalypse. Some believed the bubbles were the cause of the ocean. Others believed they were prior bubbles in former bubble-ness-es. A few felt that any bubble that didn’t think like they did should be popped or broken off from the bubble cluster! Other’s felt that AS bubbles, they had a great purpose to save the other bubbles from themselves. Most though just floated along in bubble desperation screaming ‘we’re all gonna POP!'”

He continued to chew his gum with his mouth open and then as a gesture of gross put it behind his ear like a Brooklyn waitress from the 1950s.

“Eww!” said some students.

He grinned, and was clearly loving his job.

“Some bubbles popped on rocks, others popped on their own, and a few escaped the ocean ascending successfully into the air to pop above the others. Some bubbles popped themselves to make other bubbles bigger.”

“But very few bubbles, less than 1%,  perceived the reality they were in. They said, ‘We aren’t separate from the ocean. Our atoms have been bubbles before and will become bubbles later. The stuff in both me and you is the stuff of other bubbles! And each time a bubble is made, it’s a unique mix of water and stuff! This is true even if it looks and acts like other bubbles. This is happening over and over again – all over the place!

‘Sometimes’ they said, ‘We can let the bubble delusion go, and just experience being just a bubble in the ocean. It feels nice and free’…”

He plucked the gum from behind his ear and tasted the bubble gum. His tongue swished the gum between his cheek and teeth.

“I think being a bubble is a gift of the ocean. A free gift.'”

The professor struck a pose to indicate he was done.

The student asks, “So how does that make you happy?

“The bubble was born for free and pops for free. It may, or may lot EXIST free.”

He blew a bubble, popped it in the air happily and extended his hand.

“Gum?”